Los Angeles-based artist Liz McGrath sets her “eye for the strange beauty in the grotesqueries of life” upon Valentine’s Day. Unto her collection of hand-painted miniature butcher knives, she has added two special editions for the holiday. The Personalized Heart Butcher Knife is a 4-inch rusted knife emblazoned with a severed heart and room for up to six personalized letters. St. Valentine the Vermin is a 4-inch rusted knife featuring a red mouse glitter dusted with crystal eyes. Both knives are hand-painted, signed by McGrath and come in hand-sketched gift boxes. These highly specialized gifts are available for $25 each until the end of February while supplies last.

For all you clueless — or potentially clueless — romantics out there who are looking to pick up flowers for your loved one, a guide to what they say is key. You don’t end up telling your lover you want friendship and not a wild romp on the kitchen table. Of course, these are only one florist’s interpretations, but we think she nailed it. And by the way, stop being a curmudgeon about Valentine’s Day. It’s not going to help you get what you really want: laid.

Showing your significant other just how much you care is an important part of any relationship (hint: Valentine’s Day is next Saturday). Might we recommend the T for Two? The dynamic T-shirt duo comes in two styles and features a design that, when worn with a partner, completes the sentiment — and it still looks pretty boss should you drift apart. Unlike the “I’m With Stupid”  brand, this set of shirts from Think Creative proves being together just makes sense.

When it comes to vibrators, there’s only really one thing we need: functionality. This is not to say we don’t appreciate intricate, laser-etched designs or fanciful colors — as they cater to our non-primal urges — but a personal massager should be at least able to fulfill its basic task. JimmyJane’s products do both. For Valentine’s Day, they’re releasing version 2.0 of the waterproof, phthalate-free Form 6. And for those who are looking for sensuality but a different kind of stimulation, they also offer massage candles made from natural products, the porcelain containers of which feature line drawings, each of which is unique.