As it turns out, my teeth are chromed out to match my flash drive. However, ever since last June, when I started using an iPhone, my honeyed smile has received far less admiration. I can understand how my nimble fingers caressing that sexy flatscreen could distract fans from my kisser, but I think I stand with Greenspan when I say that investments are worth protecting, and that best assets are ones that support other assets. It’s for this reason that I am gold-plating my iPhone. Goldstriker, a UK based company that would gold-plate your girlfriend’s underwear if you asked them to, offers this service, and I can’t think of a better way to make sure my mouth — and the thing I use it most for — are given equal attention. While I’m at it, I may ask the same company to leopard print. Hmm, maybe that’ll be next year…